Are Bullies born or raised?

Sticks and Stones by Ruby Redfort

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can also hurt me.
Stones and sticks break only skin, while words are ghosts that haunt me.
Slant and curved the word-swords fall, it pierces and sticks inside me.
Bats and bricks may ache through bones, but words can mortify me.
Pain from words has left its' scar on mind and heart that's tender.
Cuts and bruises have not healed, it's words that I remember.

From where arise the cruel things that people will say?

Are Bullies born or are they raised?

The bully can bring others to tears with the power invested in them by the words they possess and their ability to use them. Words that hurt as they were meant to do, words that mock and tease as intended to do. Words that hurt more than time can say. Words of which bad memories are made.

Do unto others before they do unto you differs greatly from

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Children learn as they see.

 Trust must be present for faith to survive.

Why seek faith where trust doesn't thrive. 

Children learn that life isn't fair and that's unfair.

Bullies can and do grow much bigger than the playground.

Intimidation and humiliation are practiced on the playground,

 in Class Rooms, Board Rooms, Back Rooms and Bedrooms .

Do little bullies grow up to be bigger Bullies?

What's in a name anyway?  

Hey Moron. Come here Stupid. Are you an Idiot?

It's just a name, ignore it, it can't hurt you we are told.

Don't be a baby, stand up for yourself we're then scolded.

They're just idiot's people say oblivious to the hypocrisy. 

Perhaps within the community of a Cyber City where morals and dignity can be as absent as love and empathy, where what we like is posted on a profile not necessarily reflective of thee, where the faceless of a community act without the hesitation of responsibility or the ownership of accountability, the time has come to check the Virtues of our reality against the Reality of our virtuality. 

  The right to change ones mind may be the right one to make.
A wise decision to ponder that no fool would make.
  Freddie Lake  Only a Fool never changes his mind
My Mother always said
“If you are arguing with an idiot just make sure they are not doing the same”

Are you acting or reacting to what people say?



 Tis through the rights of the ownership of name 
that we posses the right for ourselves to proclaim,

 The Universal Declaration of Human Rights
Whereas recognition of the inherent dignity and of the equal and inalienable rights of all members of the human family is the foundation of freedom, justice and peace in the world.

Do bullies just grow or are they made?
The long term effects of the things we say cannot be overstated.

In the name of  rights
 let us celebrate our differences.

Ponder on.. Here

Parenting IS hard work.

To parent or not to parent?

 Friends of mine did not have children

because of their inability due to infertility.

They did not have a choice to make.

Friends of mine chose not to have children.

Their decision was based on personal choices.

I had initially viewed their decision as a rather selfish one.

However, after some discussion with them and hearing them say

that they wished people would think about having children

as long and as hard as they had about their decision not to have children.

I felt a little differently.

It suddenly didn't seem selfish not to indulge in the duties of parenthood.

In fact, their obvious lack of desire to have children
coupled with the expressed lack of time for self and each another, already in their busy lives,
choosing not to parent didn't feel as selfish as it did wise.

Giving rise to Parenting

A parent may give birth to a child

but child alone does not give rise
 to the birth of parenting.

Parenting is a learned thing, years in the works.

A King is born
I was 30 when I had my first Son. I was all in.

I had finished my 16 year working/career two days before giving birth.

 
 

Lillian the Domestic Engineer

I bumbled, I fumbled, I bawled.
I leaked, I laughed, I cried.

I fell in love.

 I have to say that it was not love at first sight.

The first sight of my son frankly had startled me. 
He was dented and colored shades of red and blue 
as a result of my having attempted to have a bowel movement
instead of heading off to Hospital to have a baby that morning.

My Dr. had informed me that it was common
 to have a bowel movement during delivering 
so I had decided that I was going to spare myself the embarrassment 
and the Dr. the grief of it all by relieving myself at home.

However, instead of having my morning b.m. before my departure 
I had instead squeezed the crap out of my Sons head!
He had been pushed down into the birth canal 
where he then waited for me to move, as it were that morning..

My Son resumed both normal coloring and a normal head shape

not long after birth. 
 

The infant(s) who had grown in me, would grow on me.

Literally.

I had four children in five years.

I was not without baby on board either sucking from or eliminating upon my body,

from at least one orifice of their warm, little bodies, for at least 6 years running.

(I can assure you that it was no slow waltz)

It does takes two to tango but it only requires one mis-step to tangle.

Children teach you that plans are made to be changed and that steps need be taken.

Parenting

The dance between a parent and a child 
is not mastered on the dance floor.

Rather it is first learned in the nursery
 and then practiced on a sticky, kitchen floor.

Parenting requires a stick to it ness

that is stronger than what is stuck to you!

Not all dances are graceful and lovely to see.

Parenting is the get down, get dirty dance

that drives you to keep everyone clean. 

Parenting is not romantic.

Parenting requires putting one foot in front of the other

no matter the music, the whine or the weather.

We may be right but we may be wrong, that's the challenge of discovery.

Parenting will most certainly age you.

Parenting requires that one learn to rock and to roll with the punches.

There are no time clocks to punch but no pay to collect. Time simply ticks away.

I am reminded when I listen to my elderly clients speak of their own children.

They are always quick to remind me that their Son or daughter are now in their 70's!

Parenting is forever.

The Dr. who would help deliver my second son showed up wearing a head piece 
with a full face shield and a pair of rubber boots.
 She knew the mess I was getting myself into!

Why...?

Why...?

Why...?

Why...?

Parents are required to answer the little "whys" a thousand times

with the love and conviction that is necessary in growing great minds.

Parenting will challenge you and all you thought you knew.

Parenting requires patience.

Kids can say the darnedest things

but a parent can and will say stranger things.

Laughing at yourself is vital to survival.

Parenting requires a sense of humor.

Parenting requires great discipline

 
Cute babies of every species do grow up.

Outgrown outfits are replaced 
by peer pressurized stuff.

The duty to parent must come before
 the desire to befriend.

No if's ands, buts or whys about it.

Parenting requires great discipline

My second Son was born 22 months after my first Son.

My third Son was born 361 days after my second Son,

My fourth Son was born 15 months after my third Son.

The birth of a parent demands the skills of a Domestic Engineer.

Parenting is not easy.

Parenting requires the ability to realize and the courage to admit to being wrong.

To err is human. 

Beauty sleep be damned, Parenting will keep you up at night.

My Knights  Clicking takes you to a new page.

I thought I needed it?!

Ever find yourself realizing that you didn't know you wanted IT until you saw IT?
Ever find yourself discovering that you never did use IT even after you bought IT?

Who needs it?!

No bones about the fact that I would rather be toiling in and boiling from my garden than standing in line to pay at the grocery market. 
No doubts that I prefer the individuality of handmade over the implications of commercially made.
No two ways about it. If I can grow it, make it, mock it, or manage without it, I prefer it.

I like to think of myself as the frugal minimalist employing the will of a realist 
in my efforts to persist in resisting the urge to splurge. It is not always easy.

Newspapers are stuffed with colorful flyers filled with products and great prices for every season.
TV commercials run on relentlessly extolling the virtues of everything for every reason.
Cocky claims ridicule our intelligence by claiming to be valid justification for the whys of what we want.


 We shop for savings but value the prospects of bagging the real deal- happiness.
 All we have to do is shop guilty free.
 The more we shop, the more we save. The more we spend, the more we get paid!? 

Who needs it?
The End of the Impulse Shopper Great LINK HERE

In the interest of sparing my hard earned money
and in opposition to credit card interest and profitability,
I make a LIST and do my very best to stick to it.

 List making is an essential tool for living on a budget.
There were many days as a (Domestic Engineer) and very busy Mom
to four young Sons that I could hardly remember my name
 let alone recalling what I needed at the market when I got there.
 Pushing two buggies (one for groceries and one for children alone)
 around the market without a list I admit, found me to be lost!

If I am not in the market for it, I forget it. Toss the flyer in the fire...
The result of looking through any number of the flashy flyers could result in my desire to acquire
not only debt but also the guilt that often accompanies an unplanned purchase.
I take great pride in arriving back home with only that which I went for.  

Teach your children well

Impart wisdom by example. 
Seek freedom in the truth
of being honest with self.



The originality of living simply 
does not require keeping up 
with everybody else. 

 I am often surprised to hear my boys recalling memorable moments of their childhood.
 I don't hear them extolling the virtues of the expensive hoody that I would annually splurge on
 or hear of the benefits of a luxury toy they received from a friend or relative, whom for a special occasion had afforded IT.

No, rather I hear them speak fondly of meaningful moments in their lives
 that typically included their brothers, their Dad and I.  
There is no mention of what was worn or of the toy that they toted
 it's all about the experiences they recall from a life of love and it's comical commotions. 


 Ingenuity sparks creativity.
Creativity begets originality.
Originality beckons individuality.
Individuality incites integrity.
Integrity grows opportunity for individual ingenuity....

Who needs it anyway?


 No bones about the fact that I would rather be toiling in and boiling from my garden
than standing in line to pay at the grocery market. 
No doubts that I prefer the individuality of handmade over the implications of commercially made.
No two ways about it, if I can grow it, make it, mock it, or otherwise manage without it 
I prefer it.

 I do see a need however for a little more FREE Time.
Free as in not occupied otherwise and Free as in not being out of pocket for getting IT.
 Free time to be with the need to be free!

I challenge you to finding five FREE things to do with your family (or yourself) this week. 

#1. Head to the Beach where there are many treasures to behold.
#2. Head out on a walk to the local park.
 Can you name the people in the neighborhood houses along the way?
#3. Pack your lunch, your skates and your mitts and head off to the local outdoor skating rink.
A local game of shinny may be just what you need.
#4. Pack up a blanket and a thermos of cocoa too before heading to an outdoor, evening airing
 of a favorite family movie. Gratis the local community center.
#5. Head out on the highway with a recycling bag to see how many cans you can collect in an afternoon.
How many of the wild flowers and weeds that you find can you name?

Mom and Dad

My Knights

 MOM and Dad
 Parenting. The Labels that rivals no other!

Tis when the stork drops the bundle on our doorstep that the clock starts. You do not have to check in to this job because you will never check out. Time on the clock now counts the time between the last feed and the time left to clean up the mess in their bed and no longer acts to gather the hours accumulated from one pay period to the next.
read more

A family is born

Lillian the Domestic Engineer
From Son up till Son down

In 1985 I was half my Mothers age.
In 2021 I will be twice the age of my first born.

In 2010 I was a half a century old!

In the beginning, as the story is told.. More HERE 

Boys are Beautiful

         Boys are Beautiful       


Although I jumped into parenting head first (pardon the pun) with little insight, no manual, no training and no active pay, 
the fruits of my labor have survived to this day.

The amazement of growth in play
Blogs me today!

Look at what we've accomplished!
Look at what boys love to do! 


         

Keeping it clean....one step at a time!
One mans junk is any boys treasures.
Blessed with four Sons I've had so much to discover.

 Our kitchens are so entertaining that we should be charging admission just to get in!


 A kitchen is the hub of a house, it's where the pulse is as present as the hums and whirs, where plans are cooked up between the brews- of trouble and caffeine.  Tis' a safe place to share whines and other words
and a place where sense of life can and should be carefully stirred. A place where heart may be served
 warmly on a sleeve and is a natural source of nourishment for those in the need. The kitchen presents hidden treasures and smells to behold while crafting up memories that never grow old.

Celebrate your children in the kitchen today. Throw a counter top party and just play.


I understood that a willingness to be creative in the area of financial compromises would be a challenge but I never imagined how much fun it would be!
 23 years after we eliminated the option of a second full time income for the preference of being a stay at home Mom I can say,
 I am grateful for the memories of the moments in time that I have been afforded with the loves of my life.
There is nothing as valuable as owning the memories that I have shared in the kitchen with my kids.

Together we played at the Game of Life. We played math games with cupcakes and crafted Coliseums from sugar cubes. We made letters with salt dough and and baked hand formed Polymer dudes. We made music with pots and pans, beat on cups and bowls and cans. We baked cookies and kneaded "boy beaten" bread dough until finally hoping to form several loaves- for baking. We put food coloring into spray bottles and into the bath and painted acrylic paint on everything else. We cut up paper snowflakes and pasted pictures from magazines into manila scrapbooks-  now keepsakes of these years. Me made sandwiches we never ate and sold lemonade that wasn't great. We cut up lettuce for pets; Hamsters and a white Mouse too, as we learned about raising the Stick bugs that came home in grade two!  We kept caterpillars in milk jugs and made corn starch and mud sludge muffins for Dad that we all then pretended were the best we ever had!
 Look at all the things boys love to do!

My boys would would wander in and line up on the other side of the Kitchen island, standing together, each on his own chair in the dining area, wearing messy hair and PJ's and big smiles on their faces, happily declaring with great enthusiasm that they all wanted to help!
 I initially seized the innocence of the offerings with the naivety that a lack of parenting can precipitate.
 With no back up plan and too much rigidity, their emotions would get the best of me.
To exist is to educate.
 I quickly learned that plans will change and that I had better have something up my sleeve.

 "Mom he's touching my dough"
 "Mom tell him to let the hamster go"
 "Mom I can't finish this, I have to go!"
 "Mom, he's looking at me"

"Hmm, I see" I learned to reply to the commotion in motion, which in turn would buy me time to find or retrieve the Distraction tool I was going to need, Action Distraction

Distraction is a wonderful tool and can be effective if introduced in due time with honest interest and enthusiasm.
Once the dough has been thrown the appropriate plan may no longer be distraction but instead may require a physical reaction- removal of the reactor.. The calm in the eye of a storm is where survival skills are honed.

"Well look at this" I declared when I opened the junk drawer below me, located on my side of the kitchen island. Immediately I had the attention of 3 quiet, curious faces.
The dough dropped on the counter, the hamster ran for the cage, the third Son went to the bathroom and the youngest was pushing to see..

"OK guys, let's clean up this mess so we can sort out the drawer" and the chant quickly began

 "Clean up, clean up everybody everywhere. Clean up, clean up everybody do your share..."
 This catchy tune became a mantra of mine. Thanks Barney for the song that never leaves my mind...

  Habits are creations of consistency and are as necessary a life skill as reading the same favorite book, or watching the same movie over and over again.  A new perspective on attention to detail is delivered on every occasion to re visit.
 Timing is as important in the distraction delivery as the tone of voice you use. How much fun does it really sound like to sort the drawer? How enthusiastic and creative are your suggestions? How much fun do YOU want to have.
Just DO IT. Participate and feel great.

After a final wipe to the counter top, I pulled out and dumped the junk drawer contents onto an old towel I had first spread out on the counter.
"Wow" I hear in unison from my newly intrigued audience. (The bathroom breaker now back on his chair)
"Look at all this stuff." my oldest declared.
"I found a dinky toy!" says the next.
"Look Mom, here's a button, should I save it for you?" asked my third Son.
"Hey look there's a marble in here! Look Mom there are two"

"Well look at that" I declared again as I turned to put the 2 loaves of bread that I did manage to form into the oven to bake.
About the same time I realized the potential of the opportunities that stood before me. Intrigue, wonder, curiosity and a willingness to please were all awaiting me.
Seizing the opportunity I grabbed wooden spoons to sectioned off four stations on the towel, as I explained to the boys that Sorting was the name of the game.
We talked about the treasures they found and the piles that each would create and as they set off to organize...I set about to make up my mind....hmm maybe I'll bake a cake?
Not what I had planned for earlier in my day but I was learning that plans are made to be changed. Flexibility is healthy, if they be happy I be too!
 I did get my cake baked and the icing whipped up too while sharing in the beautiful ways
a boy will say and do, all the wonderful little things that boys will say and do.
Still in the kitchen by late afternoon, I need more coffee and the kids needed food, another timely distraction would soon be due.
"I'm hungry. Anyone want to help me make sandwiches?" I asked
"I do."
 "I do."
"Yeah, me too."
 "I wanna help" the last declared as I expected him to do. I'm so lucky to have so much help, it's true, it's true, it's true, it's true

The piles they had been sorting were quite a sight and they wanted Dad to see their work when he got home that night. As proud they were of their accomplishments, I was of mine, so we left the counter as it were and sat at the table to dine. 
 After serving supper and bathing away the messes created on a body in a day,
we reading stories together as we ate cake. I ponder for a moment as I reflect on my day,
How sweet it is to participate at exhausting myself ever day, while learning to Mother as I labor away....

After tucking in and settling Son by Son, I'd wandered outside to contemplate Westward at the setting Sun.
Knowing that my work as a Mother will never be done, I stumble to bed not long after I'm done!

"Morning Mom, can I have some juice and what will we do today?" I hear from behind me the first riser say.
After pouring my coffee and counting my blessings I turned towards him to say,

What shall we do today?..What shall we do today, what shall we do today, what shall we do?
Shall we start a new adventure like writing on the walls....
thanks to Pippy Longstocking for this little jingle. I still sing it out loud.

"Let's see what Alan Nursall is doing today"
Sitting beside my Son sipping my coffee on the couch, wearing messy hair and PJ's with a big smile on my face, I snuggle into his place in time.
 "I love you Son and I'm so glad your mine" I share as I smile at him.
Smiling back at me and then away from me, he lifts the blanket for his brother and not long after, his other and soon following, his other brother to get under the cover.
  Sipping my coffee in my PJ's I understand that the beauty of the day is not in how I look but rather in what we will discover today.
"I love you Mom" they have each taken the time to say.
 Boys are more than beautiful, they are great. Celebrate!

  Keeping my Cool....man alive!              
I don't like spiders and snakes
but that ain't what it takes to Love you           
Alan Nursall.
His wonderful, fun, hands on science experiments are awesome, inspiring and engaging!
        Keeping it Cool

Add a little Alan Nursall to your everyday!
 Catch him on DISCOVERY.CA

Read More at MY PAGE

Identity Crisis

And now what?

"It's the most wonderful day of the year, isn't it?"
 I called out to my neighbor who was standing (now alone) at the end of her driveway.
 We watched as her little ducklings made their way up the road towards the Elementary School, her youngest just entering Grade 1 this year.
  "I'm not sure she confessed," as she wandered towards me.
" I think I'm having an Identity Crisis" she continued.
 " I'm not sure what I'll do all day now." she lamented.

 I smiled.

 As the stay at home parent to four children myself, the last of whom just graduated this past year, I could identify with her Identity Crisis and her fear of filling all the free time she was imagining having!
  "Fear not" I assured her, "Your short day will be filled with washing, wonder, worry and wit!  Savor every moment of it.
 Soon enough it will be a time that you miss.

Home is.. Where Life really Happens. 

 The worth of your duties will now be measured by your investment in self and not by the dollar nor the labels we acquire from everyone else!
 Seek to find the time that you won't have to nurture identity and love self. Take some of the time that is given so readily to else.
Fear not the changes that perpetuate the necessity
 to re-situate, by understanding that plans are made...
to be changed. 
Avoid exhaustion and the heartache of frustration by remembering to celebrate the moments wisely chosen to elevate..
If Momma ain't happen no one is..fits in here

As the writer of rules and the ruler of the roost
and the doer of things you never imagined doing..
As the enforcer of Rules, Respect and Dignity, 
our common sense must be bigger than societies Bigotries. 

The Apple never falls from the tree? goes here
 In looking back it's clear to me that I was right where I should have been..
Amid the middle of the muddle of a Mother in love,
 surrounded by family and the raising of.

Measuring up will be hard to do in the eyes a soul never walked in your shoes. Pooh, Pooh to those who don't see the importance of Parenting in Society.
 The Mental Health of a Nation is grown at home.

You don't know what you've got till it's gone..goes here
Conscious, Moral independence be the ultimate goal of Parenting without daily rewards.
 A busy road we must travel, over bumps and through gravel. Over mountains and across seas, through meadows and thick trees we will trudge with child on back and snack in pack-
 towards a separation that becomes the meaning of an end.

-To a time when our children will leave home, each giving their heart and mind to someone else, that we begin to see the fruits of the labors of a Domestic Engineer. 
    
It is in the growth of our children that we can begin to know
whether as mentors we have grown. 

 23 years older I have grown since the birth of my Domesticity.  
Onward I will travel now with the thankful memories
of Mothering a generation that will soon Mother me.


Call me when ever you feel alone, I'm at home waiting for you to phone. I'm having a crisis in my kitchen next door.. don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Lillian the Domestic Engineer

http://lillian-thedomesticengineer.blogspot.ca

 

 

 

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